Escalator, Uber And My Most Embarrassing Experiences In Lagos!

By Chisimdi's blog - June 25, 2018

I've done some things in this life that make me want to disappear in shame at the thought of. Things that make me question if civilization is actually for everyone, me especially.

Until I travelled to Lagos last year, I hadn't seen or tasted pizza or cold stone ice cream, entered an escalator, had an Uber or Taxify ride, used a microwave, or even been to a cinema. Where am from? Abia (don't read as cave)! I don't blame my lack of exposure entirely on living in Abia though. For one, people there use microwave, there's a cinema (built only recently though) and the rest? Well, I could have gone to a nearby town or something. It's simply inexcusable!

This is me shamelessly being shameless and 'filterlessly' sharing the times I let down myself, family, friends, neighbours, blog readers, nation and people I'll meet in the future during my stay in Lagos. In advance, shit happens.

1. Escalator

I think this here is very common. Only a few people use it for the first time without doing a live comedy performance almost as good as AY and Basketmouth's. So you see, this isn't so shameful and mine was nothing major.

I had gone to the Silverbird in Surulere with my cousin to see a movie, my first in life, and we had to use the escalator. I guess my cousin noticed my hesitation as he suggested we use the stairs instead but no, I wouldn't have it. A spartan dies but never surrenders and besides, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. So off we went to conquer the world.

First I paused and watched what others were doing. Step in, stand at a place as the thing goes up and step out at the top. Shikena. Simple something. Oyibo people and their dumbness. I thought it was even one big technology. Mtcheww. Let's go there!

The closer we got, the more it dawned on me I could fuck up so I told my cousin, 'It's my first time o'. He said it wasn't a problem. When it was time, I jumped in, held him with one hand and the handrail with the other. I either missed my footing or it was the newness of the escalator but there was a struggle for balance. It must have looked like I was learning a style of dance. As I was holding my cousin, he too was caught in the struggle. 3 seconds later, stillness. Balance. I don't think anyone noticed. At the top, I jumped out and away. Phew. Enough technology for one day!

This was the day!

Told you, it was nothing major.
2. Microwave

I seriously can't explain how a human adult lived all her life without using a microwave or knowing how it works. It beats me.

While in Lagos, I was working. Working time was morning till evening so there was need for lunch. The first day I resumed, amongst other things, my direct boss told me there was a microwave in the lobby so I could bring food from home.

Hating embarrassment and smelling one on the way, I googled how to use a microwave. I didn't understand the yada yada google was saying and didn't have the patience to try to at the time so I shoved if off and decided to cross the bridge when I get there.

Soon I got to the river but the bridge was nowhere to be found. I brought food from home for the first time and proceeded to ask a colleague where exactly the microwave was in the lobby as I wanted to keep my food warm in there till noon when I'd want to eat it. I'm so embarrassed right now at the thought of how confidently I was explaining this to her.

Colleague looked at me with the kind eyes of one explaining to a toddler in a moving car that it was the car moving and not the trees. She explained that I had to wait till I was ready to eat to put the food in the microwave as it'd get warm in seconds.

Why the ground doesn't open and swallow one in moments like this, I'll never know.

3. Uber(Taxify) ride

This, I'm most ashamed of.

So when a worker has to go to a work-related event, the person uses e-hailing services (one of them Uber or Taxify) to and fro. Bills on the office of course. Prior to ever having a work related ride, I had downloaded the app and gotten used to how it works. I hate embarrassment, it just doesn't hate me as much.

With work, 'travelling' to the Island from the mainland and majorly work, I had to use Uber/Taxify a couple of times. It was no biggie till I hurried out the gate one afternoon and couldn't find the Uber(or Taxify can't remember which) guy who just called a minute earlier to say he was outside. One hand adjusting my shirt and the other on the phone, I got through to the guy, 'Where are you Sir? I'm late.' He insisted he was parked right outside the house and that's when I really saw him, a flashy jeep parked where he said it was. I had seen it earlier but didn't think it could be my ride. Aye mi o. My office people have made a mistake and gotten a very expensive ride for me. Do they even know? Will they be angry if I don't point out the error to them? What to do?

Worried, I asked the middle age driver what model the car was and texted it to my direct boss immediately. She all but chuckled and just told me to tell her when I get to  my destination.

It wasn't until later that I realised pink, yellow, big, small, young or old driver, Uber is Uber. Imagine my shame when I think of what my boss would have thought of me sending her the kind of car I was in when it was on her phone the whole time. She booked the ride! She most probably thought, 'which village did this one come from?' or maybe she thought I thought I was being kidnapped. Whichever way, not good.

  1. How did you enjoy this read? Share your most embarrassing moment(s) too. I can't be in this alone!

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  1. Haha ��. Nice one dear.

    What of someone that has been in Lagos for almost 9 years but has never experienced any of the above? ����

  2. 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

  3. Simdi!!!!! I miss you. Come back quick. Loved reading this.

  4. I was hoping you fall while on the Escalator ������.
    I hope you are now used to all of them?