Freelancing, Rats And Everything I’ve Been Up To!

What do I even say now? I’m back? Who missed me? How have you been? What exactly? Truth is, all those will suffice for things I want to say but I’ve been away for so long, I don’t even know what’s proper anymore. If this were a house, there’d be so much dust and cobwebs in here, and maybe even rats. Ugh! How I hate rats. I remember a joke that says, if I found a rat in my house, I’d abandon it and get another house. That would have been me if money hasn’t been giving me the chase of my life. I deviate. Rats. When I was a kid, a rat gave me such a scare that I almost had a heart attack. Thank God for adulthood.

I’ve been adulting so much in the past weeks, I’ve almost abandoned my blog. At points when I began to think I had finally gotten it, I missed it again and started anew. This adulthood business should have been an option like MTN caller tunes. To grow up, press 1. To remain a kid and safely torment older people with your needs, press 2. It should have always been 2 for me.

What I've been up to? Majorly freelancing and applying for tons of jobs. I’ve been writing for clients I’m so thankful for and at the same time, hunting for a proper full-time job so I can have enough money to own a house I can abandon because I found a rat in it. (Be nice. This is where you throw back your head and laugh at my sense of humor abi you want me to go back to my hiatus?).

Freelancing isn’t the easiest, but at the same time, it isn’t the hardest. Some days, I can’t decide what’s proper to charge. Another thing is, I work from home, so it doesn’t always dawn on me that I have work to do till it’s almost late and I have to work to a deadline. Sometimes, I have so much work, they almost choke me and other times, I can’t remember what it feels like to work because there is no client in sight.

I also get contacted by clients who raise my hopes high and disappear into the air at the same speed they came. They ask for work samples, they say they like them and are willing to work with me long term. They tell me what they want and sometimes, give me something similar to read up and have an idea. It’s all going well, and I stop everything I’m doing and give my undivided attention. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, abracadabra, they are gone. No more messages and they don’t reply those I send them. These ones are straight from hell, and I imagine the devil told them impromptu that he’s about to close the gate and they have to return quickly. They are my greatest nightmare.

Then there are the crazy ones. Once, I got contacted to write a short story by one. Very eager to understand exactly what the client wants because it’s easier for us that way, I ask, ‘what’s the gender of the main character?' and the client replies, ‘yes’. Thinking he didn’t get me, I ask again, ‘Is the main character male or female?’ and he replies, ‘both’. I was in stitches.

Some think you are a magician. They want you to build them an ark, get all the creatures inside, and also stop the flood. And you know what, they aren’t even willing to pay well enough for all of that. The sweet ones only want to know what you think the ark should be painted, pay well enough for it and even tip you on top. These ones are a dream come true. Bless them.

Maybe I should do a proper post about the type of clients entrepreneurs meet. Tell me in the comment section if you want that. That’s basically what I’ve been up to. I’ve also been sending out applications for jobs. I check my mail first thing every day. Hopefully, I’ll get that dream mail soon. Till then, I can’t stop trying, can I?

Meanwhile, I’d also love to know how you are doing and what you have been up to. I’ll be in the comment section hoping to find out. I hope you are better now than the last time you read me. I’ll be here more often. Thank you for not giving up on this.


APieceOfChisimdi: 23, Graduate & Very Unemployed

So guys, there is a new column on my blog, and I've called it, 'A piece of Chisimdi.' Here, I'll be sharing with you unabashedly, my life experiences. I don't know yet what I want to achieve with this but I hope we find out in time.
The very first piece of me is below. I hope it makes sense to you. 

“Why are you gambling with your life?”

When I did not reply, she asked again, angrier this time, “Why are you gambling with your life? Come back home,” The line went dead in my ears.

Give it up to my mum to put a dramatic twist to everything. It was her on the phone complaining that it had been almost a week of my completing the one-year compulsory national service and I was still not home. Apparently, that was gambling with my life. Please do not try to understand it; you will fail.

From as far back as my memory started storing memories (see rhythms na), my mum has always wanted me near. She’ll tell me how far to go when escorting visiting school friends and 'how far' is near enough to hear her voice when she called. She’d call my phone ceaselessly when she got back from work, and I was out with friends or most probably Gabbey, my elder brother. My mother just seeks me out anytime I'm not in sight or in smell (I should totally do this comedy thing). That wasn't a major problem. It worked because I was an indoor person myself.

When I got into the University, it took a little over forever to find a church and to completely fit in as I was running home every weekend. I didn’t stay longer than a day or two after exams or the end of a semester. The thing is, there wasn’t much waiting for me at home. In fact, there was a lot not waiting for me. We almost only had the basic stuff and no luxuries, but it was my peace and my happiness.

You can try now to imagine my mother’s dismay that I was done with NYSC and almost a week later, I was still ‘gambling with my life.’ Do I blame her? Poor mother. How would she know that things were quite different now? I had met people, and been to places, and met a person, and had found happiness and peace away from home; home away from Home.

I’m home now though, have been for a while and it has been, oh well, home. At first, I was sad and heartbroken when I got back, but in time, I found the happiness and peace this place brings again. The order has been; sleep, wake, press phone, eat, press phone, sleep, bath, press phone, eat, press phone and press phone. Then repeat the order. I had been resting, post NYSC rest, and have only just woken up. Woken up to the reality that I just turned 23 and I’m very very far from where I thought I’d be.

I’m very unemployed but very alive though. I should probably be counting my blessings right?


Nigerians Hustlers & ‘Don’t Teach Me My Job’ Culture

Nigerians are hustlers, bloody hustlers! We can make money out of virtually anything and go hard at it. If that isn’t something, I don’t know what is.

There are different kinds of hustles in these streets. Some are certified with big degrees, some talents, some training and there are those by chance and constant practice but you see, there is one thing all these have in common, ‘don’t worry, I know best, 'do not teach me my job’ culture.

When people patronize our services, most of us don’t want it to appear even in the vaguest way like they know better about the hustle than we do even when they actually do. We don’t even want it to appear like they know anything about it at all.

You go the hospital and the doctor writes you some prescriptions. To be very sure, you tell him that the drug at the top of the list made your brother itch all over and you hope that won’t be the case with you. He gives you the overpowering ‘don’t teach me my job’ look and continues like you didn’t say a word or if he is in a good mood, he says something dismissive like, ‘madam please go and get the drugs’.

It’s your birthday and you go to a photographer for a shoot. Everything goes fine. You get home and remember you forgot to mention something so you quickly send him a message on WhatsApp. ‘Please easy on the edits. I don’t want my legs to look unnatural’. He reads your message and doesn’t acknowledge or even reply, the ‘don’t teach me my job’ thingy.

You send your designer a picture from his collection, ‘I want this shirt,’ you say. ‘Will it be available by next week?’ He assures you it will and you pay him. You pick your order a week later than he said it’d come and it’s a different shirt, howbeit lovely. You call him and complain and he says with a confident voice, ‘That one is better. It will fit you more.’ Bitch, was that the agreement? Of course, it wasn’t but it’s what the ‘I know best’ voice in his head says. C’mon now, do not attempt to teach him his job!

You give the tailor your fabric and tell her, ‘please I want a straight cut skirt. Nothing fancy at all, just a straight cut skirt,’ You return in four days’ time and a straight cut skirt with darts is staring at you. ‘But ma, I said just straight cut na.’ ‘I know, I know, but you know say you no get nyash, the darts go give you shape.’ Wait a sec. Were you hoping to teach Iya Bisi in Yaba her job? You asked her for straight cut and she’s giving you something even better. How dare you even complain? What do you know about tailoring? She’s been in the business for ten years!


Truth is, the clients’ fears, the concerns they expressed at first (but you ignored because you know best and don't want to be thought your job) always happens and you make a last-minute rush to save the day. Something that would have been averted had you not ‘known best’. Had you let them ‘teach you your job,’ even if it’s for a second.

The doctor’s prescription gives the patient rashes. Her legs look super unreal and unnatural in her birthday pictures. Even though the shirt from his designer is lovely, he hates how it looks on him, and the skirt with the darts the tailor made for her makes her look plain stupid.

Dear Nigerian hustlers, more than your skills, more than your experience, more than what you think you know, more than what you think comes naturally to you, it’s important to calm down and listen to your clients, especially when they are paying you to get the job. It doesn’t make you less knowledgeable, it’s ironically wisdom. They make a lot more sense than you think and that’s probably making a bunch of you insecure.

Your clients know what they want and even if you have an idea of what you think is the best, (which most probably is), they want what they want and they are paying you for it. It makes the work easier for you both. That’s the major problem with hustlers we have in Nigeria!

If you can fix this, you can fix everything.

Here’s The Only Reason You Should Beg For Love

Sell your properties, disown your mother, swim in the water beneath Lagos mainland bridge, tell your pastor to shut up in the middle of a sermon, get killed by SARS, do anything for love but one thing; beg.

When it comes to love, there are no laid down rules. What works in one case, most probably won’t work in another. You just have to use your head and trust your instincts but there are things your head and instincts joined together won’t tell you and for that, you need a love doctor and that is where I come in. Lol! Have you guys noticed how funny I have become lately? I should probably dump blogging and kickstart my comedy career, no?

Apart from being pathetic, it gives the person whose love you are begging for the feeling that they have settled for less. It gives them the feeling that they have been cheated and they deserve better. Have you ever gone to buy something in the market and for instance, they say it’s selling for 5000naira. You price 4500naira and the seller agrees to sell it for that price immediately. As it was too easy, you realize that you made a bad bargain. You start to think that you have been cheated, that you are paying too much for it, that you should have priced lower. You know that feeling? That’s the same way the other person feels when you beg for their love.

It makes them think, ‘Am I too good for this person?’ ‘Didn’t I make a mistake?’ ‘Shouldn’t I be aiming higher?’ There’s no way they’d appreciate your love or properly reciprocate when they are feeling that way.

In case you don’t know what it means, begging for love is being there when the other person obviously isn’t. It is demanding for attention and affection and not letting it come naturally. It’s desperately trying to please them when they obviously aren’t into it. Going out of your way to prove to them that they should love you is begging for love. You are a love beggar if you act like your oxygen will be cut off without them when they act like they’d breath better without you. Begging for love is being clingy and needy. Begging for love is knowing that you both are not on the same page but still pushing it. Begging is a waste of affection. Begging for love is sad and pathetic. It is loser behavior.

The only reason why you should beg for love is if you are a loser.

If they aren’t returning your love and affection, if they aren’t on the same page with you, if they act like you both aren’t in your league, if they aren’t into you, if they are having shaky feet, if you are chasing after them and they are running, do not push it. Let them be. Cry if you have to but let it go. Maybe not immediately, but with time, you’d be glad you took that decision.

You are strong. You are amazing. You are a winner. You are a fighter. You are everything you want to be and I’m sure ‘loser’ isn’t one of them. Say no to loser behavior then.

The only reason you should beg for love is if you are a loser. Only then should you stoop very low, probably on your knees and properly beg.

Let me know your thoughts on this in the comment section as always!


Skinny Girl Problems: Fashion!

If there are a hundred posts on the internet about weight problems, 99 focuses on weight loss and the one that's about weight gain asks you (towards the end of the post) why in the world you are bothered about gaining weight. "Your skinny is perfect," it says, "Everybody wants to be like you girl!"

You think skinny girls have no problem and are living the life of your dreams? You think we are lucky and nature cheated on the rest of you guys? Stay with me on this post.

I've been skinny all my 23 years (plus 9 months in the womb) on earth and I'm one of those people you meet after many years and exclaim, "Jesus! You've not changed!" I rarely ever add weight. Scratch that, I never add weight. I've never weighed up to 60kg and I'm over 5ft8. You get the point now, no? Some of my pictures are below for more effect:

Now you are sure I'm talking from a professional angle, here are some of our (my)  fashion concerns:

Collar bones

Ugh! These are a bother, especially if they are as pronounced as mine. You can store water in there in readiness for drought. Collar bones are beautiful in magazines, pictures and all. There are even some looks you can't properly slay if those neck bones aren't sticking out and you might have to use makeup to enhance them. Other times, (read most times), you just want to abracadabra the bones away.

I go out of my way to cover them. It makes you look a kind of way. It screams, "fleshless! all bones! haven't eaten" and as a result,  there are some clothes I just have to avoid wearing. Mine are super pronounced probably because I have broad shoulders.

What we can wear when it comes to revealing the neck, shoulders and even back is limited. Skinny girls look good in everything is a myth!

Ass Does Not Exist!

This is no figure of speech. Our butt practically isn't in existence! It's table flat, gone, not there, a mystery, naturally ghosted on us!

No way in the word we want to be caught in clothes that further enhances this 'handicap'. You'd never see me in a skinny trouser and a top that's not long enough to cover my butt. I go for tops that are long enough to cover my butt in times like that and trousers that don't cling to my butt when I'm wearing a small top and big clothes generally.

Legs Are Too Skinny For Shorts 

Our legs are as skinny as the pen I wrote the draft of this post with, if not skinnier. You can keep us in the same place you keep shorts or super short skirts/ gowns. They are safe, we won't touch them.

We Are Most Probably Flat Chested 

Just like our butt, our boobs are not there so if you look for us in clothes that need to show cleavage, you won't see us.

Now, I won't say this is the case for all skinny girls. There are those who I can dare to call grown, liberated, who would break all these 'rules' and still look like a dream! Even in their liberation, they sometimes have moments of doubts.

Before they got to the liberation stage, before they saw light, they were once here. I'm not there yet and I hope I soon will be.

It's my birthday today so let's sit back and watch the light that comes with 23, shall we?

Cheers to liberation!

Done With NYSC? Here Is What You Must Do Next!

Prior to that, it had been months or even years since I got a lash extension and was quite skeptical about it but as I had nothing new done to my hair, it seemed to be the only worthwhile option. I wanted to look different; different better. It was my POP dammit! I was finally passing out from NYSC after one year of compulsory service to my country. 

When I was done with my makeup, which by the way takes forever and an hour, I went off to the NYSC zonal office with a special friend and some fellow corps members to collect my discharge certificate. 

A million pictures later, I was back home trying to decide how best to celebrate that evening. I would later wind up ‘drunker’ than Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean. If I’m feeling generous enough, I will make a post about post-NYSC celebration, and getting drunk to stupor but meanwhile, let’s stick to the plan.

National Youth Service Corps done and dusted; no more PPA, no more CDS, and sadly, no more allowee and practically owing my country naught! If like me you just became an ex-corps member and are still trying to wrap your mind around what’s next, here goes:


You see this one eh, I cannot say it enough. Rest please, na NYSC you do, you no kill person. I know the next thing on your mind would be, 'I don’t want to go back home. When is the job coming? When am I buying Benz? How will I finally settle down?’ 

All these are valid, fucking valid (Isn’t there something wrong with swearing so much?) but first, you have to chill. Rest. Take a break, no matter how short. Rest for as long as your schedule can afford. After I passed out from NYSC, I rested and still am resting. No job, and a bank balance that’s capable of making even motivational speakers suicidal but I cannot come and kill myself na. No be my own bad pass

Resting will help you get ready for the next step and obviously relieves stress.

Treat yourself 

Okay. You can wake up now. Don’t go and sleep forever and say you read it on Chisimdi’s blog. Not that kind of rest, please. Life won’t wait for you oh. Give yourself a treat, something within your means. One year no be beans, check am na. You have done well, enjoy yourself, you deserve it and even more!

I planned to go to Ibom Tropicana to play the 3D game. Never done that before but I don’t think that’s going to be possible as I’ve left Uyo where I served and have gone back home. I have, however, found other ways to treat myself and have fun. Talk about seafood rice!

Decide what you want

It’s now time for the ‘what’s next?’ question. Make sure you are clear about this and isn’t making the decision because that’s what everyone else is making. Think, plan, strategize, launch the missile! Decide what you want to do. Do not pressure yourself, it will come to you. A job? What kind? Where?

Marriage? To whom? Where will you find him/her and if you have, are they thinking what you are thinking? If they are thinking what you are thinking, do you both have the means to get married? 

Business? What business? Are you knowledgeable about it? Made research? What do you need to start?

To stay at home, do nothing and be useless? Whose home is it going to be? Who will pay the bills? How long will you be useless? When will it start? When will it end?

After you have rested post-NYSC POP and given yourself a treat, which by the way is optional, it’s time now to plan what you want to do next if you hadn’t decided that long beforehand. 

No one can do it better for you than you can. You can seek ideas, advice, and opinions but at the end of the day, the decision is yours to make. Decide what you want next and find out how to get what you want next.

I for one want a job next, preferably in the city of Lagos. Amen? If you want to do business, that’s great and I employ you to make adequate research about it. If it’s marriage you want, that too is fine but make sure you are sure and that you have the means. I might not have mentioned it here but you know what it is you want to do. If it is to sit at home, do nothing and be useless, by all means, knock yourself out!

Launch The Missile!  

Go shawdy! Go shawdy!! You’ve rested, flexed and planned, it’s time now to execute, to launch the missile. You’ve decided what you want and how to get what you want, then do it. 

If it’s a job, it’ll be looking out for vacancies and sending applications to companies you want to work with. You should also make sure you are good enough for the kind of job you want and if not, by all means, go get a premium version of yourself; upgrade!

If it’s business, I guess making research, sourcing for capital and getting started it is. If it’s to further your education, make sure you have what it takes and apply to the necessary institution, if it’s whatever just get up and do what you have to do. Do not procrastinate. Do not limit yourself and do not say you can’t. I risk sounding like a motivational speaker to say, you have everything you need to be great in you.

Quick advice before I beg you to drop your thoughts in the comment session below, DO NOT pressure yourself. It can easily lead you to desperation. Just do what you have to do and whatever you want will come, when it will come. Pressuring yourself won’t make it faster, it would only make the wait miserable.

Exhales deeply. It felt like I was never going to get to the end of this. Oya, let’s move to the comment session. 

Gradually please, no pushing!

The 'Leave My Man Alone' Phone Call, Here’s Why You Should Never Make It

Unless it's an open relationship or otherwise agreed, cheating deals hard blows to relationships. It can turn a usually amazing affair to an ugly complication. 

Besides, cheating is too easy, too average. I’m a superwoman and I want me a superman. Not some man twinning with the rest of the lot! If you are like everyone else, I can pick another you with my eyes closed, what's the point of sticking with you then? 

If your man cheats on you, you can go from young beauty chasing her career to psycho that needs to be locked up in rehab. You can pretend nothing happened and leave him before he says Jack without telling him why (lowkey sounds like something I can do). You can even rain down all the insults in your head on him in Queen’s English and dump him afterwards. Do anything depending on what you guys have and how it hit you but you know something you should rather cut off your left breast than do? Call the chick he’s cheating with or attempt to confront her. 

Stalk her if you will, to see what the catch is and what it is he saw in her but reach out to her? Cuss her out? Threaten your ancestors will snatch the life out of her? Ask for a venue to meet and fight? That, Nzotta Chisimdi (don’t tell me you don’t know my name), will never do.

Sadly, not a lot of women think this way. Here's the order it often goes; 'Main chic' has tried everything to make him stop cheating and since he won’t, she has to show the 'side chic' (whose fault it is for seducing him in the first place) who the boss is. She quickly dials her number when the community penis is not around and tells her to leave her man alone making sure she sounds as tough as possible to instill the fear of God in her. She may decide to accompany the, ‘leave my man alone’ with he loves me, we are getting married soon, I’m pregnant with his child, he’s only using you, or some other line to well, mark her territory and show her who the boss is. 

Pause. Here are reasons why you should never be that woman who calls the woman (or man) her man is cheating on her with threatening her, telling her to leave him alone or even telling her anything at all;

1. It’s low

Girl, I don’t know how you think or see things but that act is low, plain low. If you could watch yourself doing it, you’d be super embarrassed if you had some self-respect and decency. It’s low to call a total stranger fighting about a man, a damn man! It’s disrespectful to her and to yourself. Save your dignity, don’t! Rhianna sang, 'men be falling like the rain so we aren't running out!' and I can't agree more! Why fight for a rotten orange when you can get a basket of freshly plucked ones?

2. It’s your community penis man you should have a conversation with

It’s he who owes you fidelity and is expecting same from you. It’s he you are in the relationship or marriage with. It’s he who took everything you both have for granted and did it. It's he who hurt you. It’s he who didn’t stop to consider the consequences of his actions. It’s he who made it happen. It's he who let it happen. It's he who owes you everything dammit!

Have a fit, conversation or whatever with him alone. Leave the other woman out. Unless you have a personal relationship with her, she owes you nothing. Not even an apology for screwing your man!

3 She might not know

Stopped to think that that woman you are bad mouthing, the one you have set a table on top her matter in the presence of your friends, the one whose head you’ve threatened to make a footstool and whose destiny you’ve threatened to destroy might not even know he is in a relationship let alone with a wacko like you?

With cheating comes the gift of smooth lying preinstalled. I don’t know how but that is how it works. Chances are that he is telling her he’s single and or you are a horrible person and your relationship/marriage is headed for the rocks. 

Call the community penis and leave her out!

4 It’s not even a solution

After you’ve called her and threatened thunder and brimstone, what next? If you think it’d make him have eyes for only you, you think wrong. Most times, it doesn’t even put the other woman off. Some people love challenges so she might just go, ‘bring it on!’

A solution is leaving a man who cheated on you, staying with him and working things out, accepting you can deal with a cheating partner, going for therapy or counseling with him, anything but confronting the other chick who might even be off to the next man.

5. Fills you with so much hate 

I don’t have enemies. I like to think there are people who are not my friends or are no longer my friends but never enemies. You know why? It gives me joy, it makes me sleep at night, it gives me freedom. I may not like a person but your sure bet is that I do not hate them. I can’t burden myself with hate. Freedom is too sweet.

There’s no way in the world you are on ecstasy when you call her. You are filled with rage, you want to devour her, to tear her apart, to get from her what she has stolen, to make her feel as bad as she has made you feel.

All that is too much for too little result. Let it go, put the phone down, be free.

I hope this read was useful. What are your thoughts? Have you ever been in a situation like this or something similar? Let me know in the comment section! For me, I've never been in this situation. My life isn't so interesting. LOL